:From the desk of the Holy Spud Spirit:

Good and gentle souls, i have felt the rumblings of curiosity regarding the Order of the Great and Mysterious Naked Potato, and feel it may be my duty (as i don’t know if any of the original 12, besides myself are represented here today) to regale you with tales of olde. stories of a time long past, when the newborn tater tot first sprang forth from the virgin (yeah right) loins of Betty Crocker (if you saw her, you wouldn’t buy the “virgin” part either…. she was played by Katelin Lindahl.)

Back in the mists of festivals past… (please don’t ask me which one.) our great visionary, Jeff, a.k.a. The Potato Prophet, was visited by a vision, an epi’phony’ as he was walking past one of the food booth areas. he glanced up and read the sign above him yet was confused… “Naked Potato???… ” he quoth.. “what the hell does Naked Potato mean?!?” for the sun was bright from behind the sign..

he then took it as a sign from on high and began preaching the holy word of the naked potato to the patron passerby’s for quite a while. after these revelations he once again gazed upon the sign, for the sun had moved by then, and said… “oh…… -Baked- potato… Never mind…” and proceeded on his merry way.

but the damage had been done, the spud was out of the sack. he continued with stroll by blessings of the spud throughout the weeks until one early morning he was visited by another holy sign from the great spud spirit. *BJ looks as innocent as he possibly can*

as the prophet awoke and looked out on his VW bug, he was greeted by onlookers, transfixed by the message written on the hood of his car in McDonalds french fries that said “You Will Believe”.

so the gathered masses (twelve or so of us) sat in the dragons den and wrote out our commandments and the catchy phrases every religion needs. (weekdays can be Very slow out there) the Anti-religion sprang up almost immediately via the will of the detestable Augratin one. a massacre of the spud, followed by a resurrection in 45 minutes (cause that’s how long it takes for a good baked potato), a processional of the faithful one evening that visited all the campfires and the BLT and cottage… (benedictine like chant) “have you had your break to-day, po-ho-tatoe requiem”, and the bullshit on the knoll with the blessings of the potato vodka baptismal and the holy chaser Fresca, and our host Pringles are among the many off hours episodes.

on site, we’ve had the birth of the tater tot, gifted to the virgin (yeah right) Betty Crocker and Dunkin Heinz, a lowly merchant. the three wise guys brought gifts of mold, frankenfurters, and mirth (a bad scotsman joke i am loathe to repeat here). there’s a Great picture of the nativity with the camel by cottage looking over duncin’s shoulder! and various blessings about the site.

we’ve had many splinter factions form from the true word, all with their own vision of the true word of the spud. but all (I PRAY!) with the same lighthearted goodwill toward all philosophy. we are here to have fun! even our holy wars must be fun, dammit! of the factions i can remember, we have the julieneites and the red russets, (the two original factions) and of course the evil ones, the anti-spud and the augratin one. then came the condimentarians, from which will soon spring our first Knight of the Spud. and, i am told we now have a militant faction, the Vegomatics which i am happy to welcome to our following. though i am curious about this sudden uprising against our oldest faction, the julieneites. beware the power of the juliene fry, for they proudly march under the standard of the celtic fork and have visited the holy land of Boise, Idaho! thus hath spoken Gnocci, one of the clerics of julienne. Knoble was unavailable for comment.

any other factions will be gladly recognized by the holy spud spirit over a paid for meal at any one of our temples nationwide, McDonalds. (millions and millions served). any factions or occurrences improperly represented in this or any other text is unintentional or purely coincidental. no potatoes were injured in any way in the making of this religion,(well, except for the tater tot, i think the irish burned him). we aim to please, you aim too, Please?!? thank you

-The Management

p.s. though the spud has gone underground due to lack of planning and participation, fear not, for if the spud is ever needed, it shall spring forth and answer the call.

Fri, 30 Oct 1998 17:08:59 EST

 

The story of the prehistoric Potato:

Disclaimer: This story is stretching it a bit and requires you to take something described as fictional and turn it into fact. You have been duly warned.

I don’t know if you have ever seen it, but there used to be a TV show called the Dinosaurs. (that’s where the prehistoric part comes in) Now as shows go this wasn’t the greatest, but one episode sticks in my mind. one of the main characters started asking “where did we come from” “what does it all mean” type questions. Well, this issue had never been discussed before, so the elders had everyone tell there theory of creation etc. Well the theory that was finally chosen was one of a Great Baked Potato in the sky, orating all of the things that were to be. And it was good. That is my story.

penned by Seth
co-Founder of the Ones Who Say Potahto
Avid historian of the Cult of the Great Naked Potato
on Tue, 17 Aug 1999 19:14:04 -0700 (PDT)

 

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